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March 17, 2013 – here we go again.

Every year I start to dread St. Patrick’s Day. I mean, I love it, don’t get me wrong. Drinking? Sign me right up. But seeing someone hurl green beer by 2 pm is just not a pretty sight. It’s also an excuse for people to get daysted and make frat-house-like decisions at all ages. What boggles my mind even more is the amount of people that pull out the, “like, my cousin’s grandfather is Irish.” Ummm, no. His Granda would be Irish, if you were in fact speaking the truth. Opening up the holiday to everyone and their Uncle is fine, but if you want to high 5 your fellow Irishman, here’s a few tips on spotting the wannabes.

Wannabe

1. Puking by 2

Sure fire sign you’re not Irish. Yep, we get it. There’s a stereotype. We know. Irish Yoga anyone?

But if you can’t even hold your alcohol until 2, I can guarantee there’s no Dublin blood in your system.

2. O’Smith, O’Rodrigues, O’Russo

Stop it. Just stop it. It got old at 11… am.

3. Kiss me, I’m Irish

You’re not, and your sloppiness isn’t helping either. Before you ask, or just go in for the kill, at least wipe off the spilled beer from your mouth.

This may be a day filled with drinking, but dammit, we’re classy.

4. Not paying your round

This isn’t Scotland, we pay our rounds. Oooooooh, harsh (but true).

5. Drinking green beer

The home of Guinness doesn’t drink green beer. Anyone who you meet in Ireland thinks it’s crazy that this has been adopted in North America. Stick with the classics, and keep the food dye, and really shitty beer, out of your mouth. Or did you think they mixed that with the quality brew?

Maybe true, but, you’re going to toss your cookies, and you’re going to look like you had brunch with Sam I am.

6. Happy St. Patty’s…. NO!

Get it right.

It’s a glorious day! Enjoy it, just keep your O’Kelly stuff to yourself.

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Slainté!

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